


SOMETHING I CAN'T DO

by Zenamydog



Category: Project Blue Book (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenamydog/pseuds/Zenamydog
Summary: They’d been planning it for months, but the choice was so much harder than he’d expected.
Relationships: J. Allen Hynek/Michael Quinn
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	SOMETHING I CAN'T DO

**Author's Note:**

> My very first PBB fanfic... please be gentle.

Quinn felt the draft at his back. He didn’t need to move, roll over or even open his eyes to know that the Doc wasn’t beside him anymore. He moaned slightly when he did open one eye. The crack of light coming from underneath the door was bright compared to the pitch black room he was laying in. He thought about going back to sleep, but a squinted glance at his watch told him it was probably not worth it. Military training had his body clock fixed to 6:00am and it was a little past 5:30.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, stood and pulled his pants on. It was the middle of January and cold, so he grabbed a sweater from the still packed suitcase before venturing out into the living area. “Hey, Doc,” Quinn said when he saw Alan poking and prodding at the embers in the fireplace. “What you doing?”

“Can’t sleep. Thought I’d get the fire started back up.” Alan grabbed some of the wood chips and a small log, placing them in the middle of the still red hot embers.

Quinn walked up behind Alan as he stood from a crouched position and wrapped his arms around him from behind. “You know, Doc. If you’re cold, then I can think of a faster and more effective way to warm up.”

Alan turned in the circle of his arms to face him and Quinn could see straight away the offer wasn’t going to be taken up. Alan gave him a quick half smile and broke the embrace, walking over to the couch to sit down.

“You said you couldn’t sleep...” It was a statement, but really a question. Quinn moved to sit across from him. Alan didn’t have his glasses on yet and Quinn had a full view of his eyes. They had bags under them and looked bloodshot as the orange and red light from the fire danced across them. “Any particular reason?” Quinn pushed.

Alan looked straight past him as he spoke. “Fear...” He shrugged. “Shame, guilt...” He sighed. “Take your pick.”

Quinn reached out to touch his hand, but Alan drew back like he’d been burnt and stood. He walked to towards the kitchenette, grabbed a glass from the cupboard over the sink and then turned the tap on.

“Doc.” Quinn stood up and combed back his hair with his fingers. It was getting too long and he hated that. “We agreed.”

“I know. I know.” Alan chugged the last bit of water from the glass and slammed it down onto the sink.

Quinn frowned. “Hey, take it easy, Doc. If you wanted a shot of something, I’ve got some bourbon in my case.”

“It’s 5 O’clock in the morning,” Alan responded. “You can’t fix everything with alcohol.”

“Actually...” Quinn looked pointedly at his watch. “It’s 5.42 to be precise... and I was joking.”

“I’m not in the mood for jokes.”

“I can see that.”

Alan moved to stand in front of him. “This is so selfish.” He gestured by putting his hand to his chest. “I’m so god-damned selfish.”

_God-damned?_ The Doc really was working himself up. “Come on, Doc. Let’s not start this again. We agreed if---,”

“Ahhhrg...” Alan made a grunting sound, full of frustration and self loathing. He curled both of his hands into fists and took a step closer. He was now so close Quinn could feel the older man’s breath on his face. His nostrils flared and Quinn could tell that he was trying hard not to let the anger dictate his actions. The Doc wasn’t an aggressor, but this was his wife and son, and Quinn understood. They both knew it was going to be painful, but...

“I have to. It’s going to kill them,” Alan’s voice was more gravelly than usual.

Quinn blinked, but kept his face stern and as emotionless as possible. “I know... and you know you can’t.”

Alan flinched and to an untrained eye, it wouldn’t have been noticeable, but Quinn knew this man in every way possible so he did notice. He could only hope that he knew him well enough.

Alan turned on his heel and paced away. He walked to the fireplace and placed a hand on the mantle. It was as if he needed to hold himself up and Quinn could see the slight tremble of his fingers. With his back to him, Alan said, “There has to be another way. There just has to be. She won’t...” Alan turned back to face him and every ounce of anger had drained from the man’s face, replaced with a look that could only be described as desperation.

“She won’t what?” Quinn said, more sarcastically than he intended. “Say anything?”

Alan hung his head. “Michael... please?”

The Doc never called him Michael, in fact, Quinn could only think of two other occasions. In the middle of a fight that would have ended in blows had they not been in a moving car and... Quinn’s chest hurt. ... and that one other time... their first time.

“Doc?” Quinn took a tentative step forward, trying to gage if it was safe to do so. “She wouldn’t give up, you know that. She’s as stubborn as you are. Just like you didn’t give up on me. You found me in fucking Antarctica, for god sake. Don’t you think she’d do the same?”

Alan raised his head slowly and their eyes met. They stared at each other for a long moment. It was the first real connection they’d had since arriving at the cabin the day before. Sure, they’d spent the night fucking each other’s brains out, but this was different.

“I don’t think I really thought this through.”

“Don’t say that.” Quinn felt a spike of anger and started to pace back and forth. “Not you, not you, Doc. You think everything through. You analyse everything. Every minute detail.” He took in a calming breath. “So no... you did think it through. We both did and we agreed. This was the only way.”

Alan moved to stand in front of him again, halting his pacing quick enough that their chests bumped. Then his hands were on his face. A second later their lips were locked in a hard and bruising kiss. Quinn moaned into Alan’s mouth, but he wasn’t sure if it was from arousal or despair. Alan was never the aggressor. It wasn’t until he felt the warmth of a tear from Alan’s eye run down his cheek, that he knew for sure which one it was and he broke the kiss, taking a long step back.

“You know how I feel about you. I love you, but---,” Alan shook his head, slowly.

“But?” Quinn felt dread wash over him. “We’ve been planning this for months, Doc.... So... what...” He threw a hand into the air. “Now that it’s done you’ve got cold feet?”

“I keep seeing Mimi’s face. I hear Joel crying in the night. I...” Tears welled again in his eyes. I can’t do it!” Alan let out a held breath. “I thought I could, but I just can’t.”

Quinn’s heart started to beat out of his chest. He should have known better. He just should have... “Okay,” he said and it sounded defeated, even to his own ears. He wasn’t going to try to change Alan’s mind anymore. He’d been doing that since they’d started planning this getaway. He met Alan’s eyes and waited for that same connection. “But know this,” he said with a conviction that gave him strength. “There’s also something I can’t do... not anymore.”

Alan frowned. “What’s that?”

“Share you.”

Alan physically paled and there was a beat of silence before Quinn picked up his coat and put it on.

“Where are you going?” Alan asked concern in his tone.

“For a walk,” he said gruffly. “I guess you have a phone call to make.”

******** 

Alan second guessed himself as the phone rang in his ear. They had gone to such lengths to do this and this call was going to undo it all. Quinn was right, he had thought it through. He knew it was going to be hard. Just not this hard... and then there was the thought of losing Quinn... The decision was made and his heart skipped a beat when he heard the click of the receiver.

“Hello?” It was Mimi and even in that one word he could tell her throat was rough from crying.

“Mimi, it’s me.”

There was a gasp and then loud sobs. “Alan? Oh my God, Alan is that you? Oh my God, they said you... They said there was an explosion.” She was crying so hard now, he could hardly make out the words. “They said both you and Captain Quinn were dead.”

“I know, I know, Honey. But we’re not. We’re both okay.”

“Where are you?”

“In Mexico. It’s a long story and a lot to explain, but... but you can tell everyone we weren’t in that lab. We were following a lead here in Mexico. We only just heard on the radio that we’d been presumed dead, otherwise I would have called you much earlier.”

*********

Good story, Quinn thought to himself as leaned against the large logs of the cabin. He couldn’t help himself, he’d been listening at the window. There was part of him that had hoped beyond hope that Alan wouldn’t make the call. That he’d put the phone down and choose him instead.

He couldn’t hear both sides of the conversation, but it was easy to fill in the blanks.

“Don’t cry, Honey.”

“Yes, I know, but they got it wrong.”

Quinn turned and started to walk away as Alan’s last words echoed painfully inside of his head.

_“Please don’t cry, Mimi. I love you and Joel so much and I’ll be home soon. I promise.”_

It was a walk Quinn wasn’t sure he was going to return from.

THE END.


End file.
